Wow…I just remembered this site after more than a year later. The things that have changed since then are astonishing one can say, at least in my small little world.
First off, as I was just relinquishing on what I had wrote in the previous year – mind you, a meager 3 posts – I shall make a rapid attempt in summarizing a few things here and now.
First off, my parents did end up renewing their mortgage at a variable rate, which I was against mainly because they entered the game too late, and now interest rates have begun to rise. However, I decided not to argue with my mom about not getting a variable because she was smart enough to buy a house around 6 years ago, as it provides a comfortable cushion for all of us, financially speaking of course. In this country, owning a house is quite important, and I seek to own a few houses of my own; rental properties being one of them. Where do I see mortgage rates? I hope I’m wrong, but I do seem them continuing to rise in the near future. Yikes.
Let’s talk about my x-gf. Yes. My x-gf. Hold on to the applause, since I did not “man-up” and break it off. Instead it was her, and it happened only a couple of months ago, I believe July 07 2010, to be exact. I’ve gone through this story numerous, if not hundreds of times with friends and even family members which I rarely do. But basically what ended up happening is she got accepted to Masters, and she was being all cool. Bascially she started changing, and that is not to say that I didn’t change either. I also started changing and, be it psychological or not, became more attached to her, mainly because she was now less available. This affected my behaviour insofar that I believed she wasn’t paying as much attention to me. Now, I’m not going to lie, she tried her best given her 12 hour/day schedule. But in the end it just didn’t work.
I’m like the boy who cried wolf in this scenerio. I always, ALWAYS, saw my self as the one who would walk out of this relationship unharmed and unscathed. Guess what, until recently, I’ve been feeling hurt. “The man who vowed he can never be hurt, was the one who got hurt the most”. That’s my little quote that I came up with.
I’m slowly getting better though, especially mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was a mess if you would’ve caught me a couple of months ago.
The strange thing here is that now I want her for some reason, where as when I was with her, I wasn’t like this. In the end it’s my mind, and yours, that is playing games with you on a constant basis.
It has been suggested by friends, that I do not miss her, but yet I miss being in a relationship. This does have some truth into it, as I have increasingly refused to hang out with my guy friends as I once used to, making me more lonely than usual.
Whatever the truth is, she does pop into my head on a constant basis, although at a decreasing rate.
One particular aspect that has helped me greatly is having found a job which I thoroughly enjoy and I appreciate. I look forward to it every single day and I look in doing my best at this job and holding on to this job on a long basis, which studying throughout. I have also joined a gym recently and am about to complete my CSC.
I still find it hard, to be honest, to consider other girls. But eventually, I know I have to and I know I should, as this was one of my issues while in a relationship; a lack of relative comparison. So I should focus on this and try to clear it up in my own head.
Although, I’ve cursed at my x-gf in my head, I’ve more than enough prayed for her and wished her the best in her endevours. She is an ambitious girl, and I continue to say this although she has put me through a lot of grief, and she has the kindest, sweetest heart ever seen since mother Theresa. I truley want the best for her.
On the positive note, the break-up did contribute my finally getting off my ass, finding a job, seeking the direction one wants to go in life, and working out again. I, never having held a b-day party before, held one for the first time in my 23 years of life. I ended up going to NYC, and am going to Las Vegas in a month and a half. I am more clear anout the direction of my career, as already mentioned, and most importantly, I have learned what it means to truley be yourself, and not sucking up to people, which I noticed I’ve done so many times, both conciously, and subconciously. I like my new self better.
At the same time, however, I like to continue being a nice friendly guy, which I picked up from Mehrdad, one of my dads co-workers. His friendly attitude has a tremendous affect on me, and I hope that continues.
Other than that, not much else really. A little bit of loneliness remains in my heart. I’ve thought about getting in touch with her in about 2 weeks but it’s strongly discouraged by my friend, Dima, and I do tend to agree. Nothing good can really come out of it, except perhaps old feelings.
My objective was to sort of catch up and see what’s going on and continue to remain friends, but I’m not sure how realistic that might be. Life is Long, so it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow. It can be even in a couple of months from now, perhaps during Christmas time.
God Bless you all.
